Exiting the wedding bubble (also known as the period between entertaining family prior to the wedding and the honeymoon afterward) requires accepting the harsh reality that life has not been put on pause for you.
But being in the bubble was also a great opportunity to be present with your partner, to reflect on the experience of being married, and perhaps (but not too soon) to look ahead to the journey together.
Yet as much as the wedding really seemed on the surface all about us, the multitude of discussions, the project planning, the volunteer hours was a reminder that we couldn’t have done it alone and therefore we also could not celebrate it alone.
It’s hard to understand the Bridezilla who claims that this is “my day and I can do whatever I want”. We certainly had a personal vision of the wedding, but it was a vision of bringing together four cultures under the banner of “My Big Fat Trinidadian, Sri Lankan, Chinese, Canadian Wedding”. We wanted to honour our immigrant past.
The immigrant story is a familiar one. My parents immigrated from Taiwan just before they were married, while my wife’s parents immigrated from Sri Lanka and Trinidad. Both of our parents gave up their familiar friends and family, learned a second language, gave up their old credentials, got reeducated, struggled with culture clash especially with their kids. For our parents, life really wasn’t about them. It was about the next generation. It’s only now after decades of hard work can they begin to reap the fruits of their labour and see their kids successfully adapt to life in Canada.
Isn’t that the human venture as well? It isn’t about this generation or even the next. Every material thing I have ever touched or used, every concept or idea that I have experienced was a contribution by some person somewhere in some time period. For that I am thankful. What the human story is and how we might pass on our best possible selves is a part of our responsibility in this moment, this journey.
At the wedding ceremony, my wife and I were given these lovely wood-carved hiking sticks by Ken, our ceremony guide. There was something immensely grounding about being supported by the soul of a tree. In addition to holding me up in my faint moments during the ceremony, it symbolized how life supports our hike together.
The wedding was and will remain a vivid and beautiful marker of the journey we both get to take.
As I sit here planning my own wedding (mere weeks away), I am struck by how planning a wedding is like planning a military campaign. Asides from the possible metaphor of love and war, the planning process between the two share many conceptual similarities. Both involve tactical, operational and strategic framing. Both require you to think about why you are doing this in the first place. And both require well developed capacities to succeed.
One of the tremendously helpful constructs from military strategy is looking at a given campaign from different frames of action, a concept developed more fully by the Action Studies Institute. By looking at a wedding from different frames of action (tactical, operational, strategic, foundational, transcendent) I can more effectively make it happen because quite frankly, the human brain is not capable of holding simultaneously all the details around hosting a 200 person party. It allows me to zoom out, look at the big picture, and then zoom back in to make sense of the bits and pieces.
What are these frames? Allow me to explain with some direct examples.
Most people who have planned events start with the day in mind and then work backwards thinking of all the tasks (tactical level) required to make it happen. Small tasks like getting boutineers and ordering bouquets can be grouped into higher level tasks – ordering flowers. These larger tasks could then become a full fledged operation that could be assigned to a person – the flower “captain” – who would take on the responsibility of ordering, delivering, and setting it up according to the specifications of the mission parameters such as colour scheme or the bride’s preferences.
The coordination and interlinking of the various operations (flower person, food person, decoration person) become a part of the strategic frame. You think about higher level objectives. What will be the look and feel of the wedding? How will these various operations be funded and supported? For instance, do I need to train someone on how to run my laptop? Good higher level objectives provide guidance for all operations.
As important as supporting and directing the operations is attempting to anticipate critical problems both external and internal to the “team”. While it’s always possible that vendors may fail to follow through (what? no food for guests?), the stress on family members may be such that they will not be able to address the issue. The strategic frame is not just about anticipating every possible problem, but developing the capacity to handle unanticipated problems. When you pair an open bar with a party, well, you simply have to accept that unexpected things will arise!
Thinking at the strategic level does not come naturally. As human beings, we are far more inclined to focus on the immediate needs and tasks. Our inclination is to get tactical. We are far less inclined to step back and work on the bigger picture. In business, we focus on execution. In addressing complex social issues, we jump to action. Rarely do we step back and ask whether what we are doing is helpful.
Even more difficult than thinking at the strategic level is thinking at the foundational level. This is the level of asking what this mission is for in the first place. Much like a couple asking themselves why they’re getting married in the first place, the discussion could be explosive because it challenges fundamental assumptions – why do you love me again? And yet, it is such a critical question because all the planning and strategizing means little if the foundation has not been well-formed. We could return to the occupation of Iraq by the US and see that not only was their strategy flawed (shock and awe for a “quick” war), but the reasons and purpose for the mission was based on a false premise (no WMDs or proven links to Al-Qaeda).
Why don’t we spend the time to test our foundational frame? Part of the reason is that we don’t want to face the fact that our cherished values and beliefs might be misguided, distorted, or plain wrong. Who wants that? The other reason is also a weak understanding of what humanity and life is all about (the transcendent frame). Without an understanding of the human story, our understanding of ourselves and others are likely to be limited. If life is in fact all about looking good and achieving status, then marriage will serve one sort of purpose. If life is a process of becoming a better human being, then marriage would serve another broader purpose. The study of life and wisdom is a life-long journey as repeatedly preached to us by the sages of the world.
Each of these frames interact with each other in interesting and dynamic ways. Each requires its own sets of capacities and ways of thinking. War or love, business or life… all can benefit from developing strong frames. Granted, a military campaign differs from wedding planning in that there are higher levels of uncertainty with opponents who are generally invested in killing you. On the other hand getting together a big multicultural family together for the first time has it’s own adaptive challenges!
I know that in a few more days, my conscious mind will be consumed by the operational details of making the wedding happen, but I hope that both my fiancee and I will be able to remember what this is all about and why we’re on this life journey together in the midst of the biggest party we’ll probably ever have. The wedding may go nothing like we expect, but our life will continue to flourish regardless.